GQ - How to Introduce BDSM to the bedroom without terrifying your partner

http://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/how-to-introduce-bdsm
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How to introduce BDSM to the bedroom without terrifying your partner

Everything you need to know about adding a bit of kink to your bedroom

BY HOLLY VON BOCK

Thursday 22 June 2017

First things first, let’s clear up exactly what BDSM means: bondage and discipline (B&D); dominance and submission (D&S); sadism and masochism (S&M).

It’s split up this way because BDSM means a lot of different things to the people who identify with it. And don't believe the 50 Shades Of Grey hype – when performed consensually, those people aren't mentally unstable or have a history of abusive behaviour, they just have a kinkier nighttime ritual.

 

Another 50 Shades misconception is that BDSM involves pain or sex at all. It doesn’t (unless you both want that). The only requirement involved with BDSM is trust and consent. There is always a dominant person (gives orders, is in complete control) and a submissive participant (receives orders and does as they're told by the dominant). EL James obviously wasn't a fan of fact-checking.

Yet the book, which is generally looked down on by BDSM fans, has helped it become more mainstream, High Street even – some Ann Summers stores now have their own BDSM sections selling all the impedimenta you need, which, plainly, is great if you always wanted to partake but were too afraid to ask. But there's still a slight stigma attached to it, so you'll need to plan this carefully.

First of all, research is key. Settle in for a long session on a BDSM tube, hit a BDSM chat room (yep, they still exist), read BDSM erotic fiction – expose yourself to as much of it as you can and work out exactly what it is you like. Once you've got your head around it, share it with your other half. This is not the time for shock and awe – start gently, maybe showing them a video you've seen. Say, "Looks kind of sexy, don’t you think?" and gauge their reaction. If they're into it, great. If not, park it. It may plant a seed in their mind that does eventually flower, it may not. You can't force them. That's not what BDSM's about.

Assuming they're happy, it's time to introduce it to the bedroom. BDSM isn’t an impulsive act; it takes planning, research and preparation, but a good transitional device is a mask. Buy one and ask if they want to wear it/mind you wearing it during sex. It might seem trivial, but whoever's wearing the mask (the submissive) has to put all of their trust into the person who isn't (the dominant) and that's where things should get sexy. If it felt good, suggest a massage with a vibrator while their eye mask is on.

If that's the extent of your fantasy, great. Mission accomplished. But if you want to edge towards the kinkier side of things, you need to keep establishing that trust by never exploiting it, obviously, but also by having plenty of post-coital discussions about what you both liked and what else you could try. Then you need to prepare yourself. When I said BDSM wasn't impulsive, I meant it – you need an awfullot of gear if you want to explore BDSM more broadly.

Want to tie someone up? You'll need a specialist product that reduces the risk of rope burn. Then you've got to think about adjustments. Things like spreader bars (Ann Summers sells out of these every Valentine's Day) and nipple clamps aren't necessarily designed for pain because you can change how tightly they fasten, and some days you or they may wish to be in more or less pain than the time before. Then there's putting on the BDSM uniform. Whether that's just lingerie or, well, a uniform – it all takes time and a very free schedule. But if procuring the products, setting them up and getting dressed up is worked into the ritual of kinkier sex, the prep can become its own pleasure.

By now, you should be in full swing, enjoying all the safe, sexy delights BDSM can offer, whatever that might mean to you. I bet they put Christian Grey's efforts to shame.

DNA Daily News and Analysis: A Healthy Helping of Kink

http://www.dnaindia.com/lifestyle/report-a-healthy-helping-of-kink-2367305
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A healthy helping of kink

 SOHINI DAS GUPTA | Sat, 25 Mar 2017-08:25am , DNA

A recent workshop on kink and mental health in Mumbai, triggered important conversations about sexual acceptance

At 28, Arwa Dhorajiwala has had several relationships that consisted of, amongst other things ‘decent vanilla sex’ and one — her most recent — where there was “kink involved, stuff I never knew I’d be okay doing”. The exposure gave the media professional a real picture of the oft-ostracised world of kink. What she recalls of the otherwise fulfilling experience is the ‘lack of empathetic information’ on the topic.

Arwa’s queries may have found response in a workshop recently conducted in the city. Enter The Kinky Collective, a group that “hopes to address myths about kink — the primary myth being that it supports violence and oppression”.

Fresh conversations

Myth-busting is just one part of an important dialogue initiated by the workshop arranged in collaboration with psychological helpline iCALL, which offers telephonic counselling on a range of issues including sexuality. Pompi Banerjee, from the Kinky Collective, views this as an opportunity to start a conversation, “amongst kinksters who, without any external support, come to view their own desires as abnormal or shameful; and amongst individuals who are not from the community, but wish to understand it better”. While the workshop was the first of its kind, the accessible but intimate group have frequent relevant gatherings.

Knowing kink

Kink, essentially a large set of sexual practices including different fetishes and the erratically pop-culturised BDSM, is hard to define. The Oxford dictionary simplifies kink as “a person’s unusual sexual preference”. It is due to this ‘unusual’ factor, that sexual expressions that aren’t procreative, hetero-normative and mainstream — anything from rough sex/oral sex to cross dressing, flogging or the more debated edge-plays — is socially misconstrued as debasing.

This makes life difficult and isolated for those naturally inclined towards kink(s) in their sexual expression. Those forced into marriage worry about sexual compatibility, leading dual or adulterous lives. Those isolated find themselves trapped by secrecy and self-hate.

It doesn’t help that psychologists and psychiatrists have historically classified kink as a mental illness. Looking at kink outside the pre-set disregard, one realises that it is, to a large extent, subjective. To echo Banerjee, “For some straight couples, doggy-style is kinky, for others, not. A gay friend had once shared how, for him, the missionary position is kinkier. Even love bites or spanking could be kinky.”

All about agency

The sacred tenet of the kink community is consent. “Conscious kink” is when two consenting adults — considered equal in value and dignity — agree to what they are doing together. The power to agree with or refuse something remains equally valid for both partners at any given point of time, irrespective of gender and sexual roles.

But how does one ensure that these power checks and balances are not violated during sex? “Due to stigmatisation, practitioners are automatically doubly cautious of their and their partner’s limits. Most go out of their way to ensure that their partner is at ease, even reserving a stipulated time to discuss if they are (still) on the same page,” Banerjee reasons. These open talks can be at the end of each session, every month, or once every six months. Other risk-breakers like ‘safe words’, ‘hard and soft limits’ are equally respected within the community.

Mental misdiagnosis

The stigma surrounding kink is a great vandaliser when it comes to mental wellness of individuals thus inclined. “Imagine your friends, family or your doctor telling you that you are a freak, because you are different in some way,” Banerjee challenges, citing depression, anxiety, shame, a sense of isolation —largely, a depleted sense of self as the outcome. Her observations are not without evidence. Paras Sharma, programme coordinator at iCALL, reveals that two of the five primary issues cited by callers include sexuality and mental health, the overlap accounting for 17 per cent of their total calls. Ask him why iCALL feels the need to train its counsellors in kink-sensitivity, and he says, “We’re offering people a safe, inclusive space. Why should the kink community be ignored?”.

Out with the archaic

Does the classification of kink as a mental malady hurt the prospect of an accepting ecosystem? Sharma agrees, pointing out that while campaigning in the West led the latest edition of the American Psychological Association’s diagnostic manual to discount kink from the purview of mental illnesses, it’s a scratch on the surface. “Acceptance shouldn’t end at theoretical normalisation. The idea is for every individual to realise that should they want to experience kink, they are free to — without the mental strain of prejudices,” Sharma offers.

theguardian - 'End of an era': porn actors lament the loss of legendary San Francisco Armory

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WFXL FOX 31 - Dakota Johnson: 'America is still sexually oppressed'

http://wfxl.com/news/entertainment/dakota-johnson-america-is-still-sexually-oppressed - Go to the link for the original source, photos, and other information

Dakota Johnson: 'America is still sexually oppressed

by WENN

Friday, January 13th 2017

Dakota Johnson wishes America wasn't so conservative when it comes to sexuality.

The actress was catapulted to fame in 2015 when she landed the lead role in Fifty Shades of Grey, based on the raunchy 2011 novel of the same name by E.L. James, which tells of college graduate of Anastasia Steele, who begins a sadomasochistic relationship with Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan.

Dakota is set to reprise her role in the soon to be released Fifty Shades Darker, and shares that she's still surprised by the reaction of conservative groups to the sexual themes in the movie.

"First of all, there are some very chic avenues in BDSM (erotic practices or role playing)," she told Vogue magazine. "It can be very beautiful and tasteful, and the materials can be luxurious. But what I admire is the bravery and the honesty of people who get down with it, who aren't afraid to say that they need something a bit more in order to get off. America is still so sexually oppressed."

Dakota, the daughter of Hollywood veterans Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, adds that she is "truly proud" of her work in the "different" First Shades movies, despite the mixed critical response. And she's adamant that her character is a strong woman, with a multifaceted personality.

"This woman is a bada**... She's hyperintelligent and hypersexual and very tough and very loving, and her character has so many different aspects that don't normally make sense in one person. I tried to amplify them all," she said.

When it comes to her own love life, Dakota, 27, remains tight-lipped. Though after ending her relationship with model and singer Matthew Hitt last year, she admits to feeling a "little bit heartbroken" all the time.

"Even when I'm in a happy relationship. I don't do casual very well, and my feelings, even the good ones, get so intense that they hurt," she sighed.

Elite Daily - Cat Owners Love BDSM More Than Anyone, Putting The ‘Crazy’ In Crazy Cat Lady

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/cat-owners-love-bdsm-anyone-putting-crazy-crazy-cat-lady/1730416/ Please go to the link for the original story, source, photos, and other information:

Cat Owners Love BDSM More Than Anyone, Putting The ‘Crazy’ In Crazy Cat Lady
Zara Barrie 
Dec 21, 2016 1:02pm

Now, I have another confession, but this is just between you and me: I also happen to have a little ~bondage~ fetish. OK, it’s a big bondage fetish. But let’s not judge. 

But what does my love for black leather whips have to do with my love for fluffy, elusive, bitchy kitties? 

Well according to SCIENCE, it turns out cat owners are more inclined to have a hankering for le bondage. 

A new study reveals a real symptom of “toxoplasmosis” — a parasitic infection humans can catch from our precious baby kittens and adult cats — is feeling sexually turned on by “fear, violence and danger.” 

In simple terms, this means your fantasies about being spanked could very well be a symptom of a parasitic infection. A parasitic infection that comes from cat shit, nonetheless.

Yup, that’s right babes, CAT SHIT. You don’t contract toxoplasmosis by merely petting your seemingly innocent, purring kitten in your naked fingertips. 

It’s found in the cat’s feces — and dealing with cat feces is just one of the many non-glam realities of being a cat owner. 

You aren’t a real cat owner until you’ve handled cat feces, so don’t go acting prim like this toxoplasmosis won’t happen to you. We’re all at risk, honey.

I’m a little dismayed that my BDSM impulses are likely to be due to the fact that I’m a lifelong cat owner with an infection from cat shit and not because I’m a complicated woman with mysterious, repressed issues that have manifested in a desire to be dominated. 

According to The Independent, one-third of the world’s population is infected with toxoplasmosis. 

Um, why do I feel like I’m writing about an STD? And to make it even more STD like, toxoplasmosis is usually a-symptomatic, but when it does have symptoms (that are physical) they’re often “flu-like.”

Or… they just make you want to be dominated in the bedroom.

Jaroslav Flegr, who led the study, explains that it’s pretty normal for people to get a little hot and bothered when they’re afraid, but being really, really, really turned on by fear is elevated in people in those infected with toxoplasmosis possibly because of the effects the parasite has on the brain. 

So parasites can somehow make us kinkier, I guess. I don’t know, it’s a strange, strange world.

On a darker note, toxoplasmosis has also been linked to behavior change. Some studies have even shown that there may be a connection between the infection and schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, OCD and aggression.

 But you know what, babes? Let’s keep it light and just try to digest the fact that our love for leather and chains has to do with the fact that we’ve been cleaning up cat shit for far too long.

Read more: http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/cat-owners-love-bdsm-anyone-putting-crazy-crazy-cat-lady/1730416/
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