GQ - How to Introduce BDSM to the bedroom without terrifying your partner

http://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/how-to-introduce-bdsm
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How to introduce BDSM to the bedroom without terrifying your partner

Everything you need to know about adding a bit of kink to your bedroom

BY HOLLY VON BOCK

Thursday 22 June 2017

First things first, let’s clear up exactly what BDSM means: bondage and discipline (B&D); dominance and submission (D&S); sadism and masochism (S&M).

It’s split up this way because BDSM means a lot of different things to the people who identify with it. And don't believe the 50 Shades Of Grey hype – when performed consensually, those people aren't mentally unstable or have a history of abusive behaviour, they just have a kinkier nighttime ritual.

 

Another 50 Shades misconception is that BDSM involves pain or sex at all. It doesn’t (unless you both want that). The only requirement involved with BDSM is trust and consent. There is always a dominant person (gives orders, is in complete control) and a submissive participant (receives orders and does as they're told by the dominant). EL James obviously wasn't a fan of fact-checking.

Yet the book, which is generally looked down on by BDSM fans, has helped it become more mainstream, High Street even – some Ann Summers stores now have their own BDSM sections selling all the impedimenta you need, which, plainly, is great if you always wanted to partake but were too afraid to ask. But there's still a slight stigma attached to it, so you'll need to plan this carefully.

First of all, research is key. Settle in for a long session on a BDSM tube, hit a BDSM chat room (yep, they still exist), read BDSM erotic fiction – expose yourself to as much of it as you can and work out exactly what it is you like. Once you've got your head around it, share it with your other half. This is not the time for shock and awe – start gently, maybe showing them a video you've seen. Say, "Looks kind of sexy, don’t you think?" and gauge their reaction. If they're into it, great. If not, park it. It may plant a seed in their mind that does eventually flower, it may not. You can't force them. That's not what BDSM's about.

Assuming they're happy, it's time to introduce it to the bedroom. BDSM isn’t an impulsive act; it takes planning, research and preparation, but a good transitional device is a mask. Buy one and ask if they want to wear it/mind you wearing it during sex. It might seem trivial, but whoever's wearing the mask (the submissive) has to put all of their trust into the person who isn't (the dominant) and that's where things should get sexy. If it felt good, suggest a massage with a vibrator while their eye mask is on.

If that's the extent of your fantasy, great. Mission accomplished. But if you want to edge towards the kinkier side of things, you need to keep establishing that trust by never exploiting it, obviously, but also by having plenty of post-coital discussions about what you both liked and what else you could try. Then you need to prepare yourself. When I said BDSM wasn't impulsive, I meant it – you need an awfullot of gear if you want to explore BDSM more broadly.

Want to tie someone up? You'll need a specialist product that reduces the risk of rope burn. Then you've got to think about adjustments. Things like spreader bars (Ann Summers sells out of these every Valentine's Day) and nipple clamps aren't necessarily designed for pain because you can change how tightly they fasten, and some days you or they may wish to be in more or less pain than the time before. Then there's putting on the BDSM uniform. Whether that's just lingerie or, well, a uniform – it all takes time and a very free schedule. But if procuring the products, setting them up and getting dressed up is worked into the ritual of kinkier sex, the prep can become its own pleasure.

By now, you should be in full swing, enjoying all the safe, sexy delights BDSM can offer, whatever that might mean to you. I bet they put Christian Grey's efforts to shame.

DNA Daily News and Analysis: A Healthy Helping of Kink

http://www.dnaindia.com/lifestyle/report-a-healthy-helping-of-kink-2367305
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A healthy helping of kink

 SOHINI DAS GUPTA | Sat, 25 Mar 2017-08:25am , DNA

A recent workshop on kink and mental health in Mumbai, triggered important conversations about sexual acceptance

At 28, Arwa Dhorajiwala has had several relationships that consisted of, amongst other things ‘decent vanilla sex’ and one — her most recent — where there was “kink involved, stuff I never knew I’d be okay doing”. The exposure gave the media professional a real picture of the oft-ostracised world of kink. What she recalls of the otherwise fulfilling experience is the ‘lack of empathetic information’ on the topic.

Arwa’s queries may have found response in a workshop recently conducted in the city. Enter The Kinky Collective, a group that “hopes to address myths about kink — the primary myth being that it supports violence and oppression”.

Fresh conversations

Myth-busting is just one part of an important dialogue initiated by the workshop arranged in collaboration with psychological helpline iCALL, which offers telephonic counselling on a range of issues including sexuality. Pompi Banerjee, from the Kinky Collective, views this as an opportunity to start a conversation, “amongst kinksters who, without any external support, come to view their own desires as abnormal or shameful; and amongst individuals who are not from the community, but wish to understand it better”. While the workshop was the first of its kind, the accessible but intimate group have frequent relevant gatherings.

Knowing kink

Kink, essentially a large set of sexual practices including different fetishes and the erratically pop-culturised BDSM, is hard to define. The Oxford dictionary simplifies kink as “a person’s unusual sexual preference”. It is due to this ‘unusual’ factor, that sexual expressions that aren’t procreative, hetero-normative and mainstream — anything from rough sex/oral sex to cross dressing, flogging or the more debated edge-plays — is socially misconstrued as debasing.

This makes life difficult and isolated for those naturally inclined towards kink(s) in their sexual expression. Those forced into marriage worry about sexual compatibility, leading dual or adulterous lives. Those isolated find themselves trapped by secrecy and self-hate.

It doesn’t help that psychologists and psychiatrists have historically classified kink as a mental illness. Looking at kink outside the pre-set disregard, one realises that it is, to a large extent, subjective. To echo Banerjee, “For some straight couples, doggy-style is kinky, for others, not. A gay friend had once shared how, for him, the missionary position is kinkier. Even love bites or spanking could be kinky.”

All about agency

The sacred tenet of the kink community is consent. “Conscious kink” is when two consenting adults — considered equal in value and dignity — agree to what they are doing together. The power to agree with or refuse something remains equally valid for both partners at any given point of time, irrespective of gender and sexual roles.

But how does one ensure that these power checks and balances are not violated during sex? “Due to stigmatisation, practitioners are automatically doubly cautious of their and their partner’s limits. Most go out of their way to ensure that their partner is at ease, even reserving a stipulated time to discuss if they are (still) on the same page,” Banerjee reasons. These open talks can be at the end of each session, every month, or once every six months. Other risk-breakers like ‘safe words’, ‘hard and soft limits’ are equally respected within the community.

Mental misdiagnosis

The stigma surrounding kink is a great vandaliser when it comes to mental wellness of individuals thus inclined. “Imagine your friends, family or your doctor telling you that you are a freak, because you are different in some way,” Banerjee challenges, citing depression, anxiety, shame, a sense of isolation —largely, a depleted sense of self as the outcome. Her observations are not without evidence. Paras Sharma, programme coordinator at iCALL, reveals that two of the five primary issues cited by callers include sexuality and mental health, the overlap accounting for 17 per cent of their total calls. Ask him why iCALL feels the need to train its counsellors in kink-sensitivity, and he says, “We’re offering people a safe, inclusive space. Why should the kink community be ignored?”.

Out with the archaic

Does the classification of kink as a mental malady hurt the prospect of an accepting ecosystem? Sharma agrees, pointing out that while campaigning in the West led the latest edition of the American Psychological Association’s diagnostic manual to discount kink from the purview of mental illnesses, it’s a scratch on the surface. “Acceptance shouldn’t end at theoretical normalisation. The idea is for every individual to realise that should they want to experience kink, they are free to — without the mental strain of prejudices,” Sharma offers.